Confused

Does it make me a bad person to think like this? Does it make me selfish to expect more than this? I knew this is what the outcome would be. I guess I just hoped it would be different. I wished that just maybe the feeling would be returned. But what is this feeling? How she makes me feel, it’s impossible to describe. When we first met, I never expected our relationship to go any further than just friendship. When it did, it was the first time I had ever shown my true self. Who I am beneath the mask I hide behind. It was the first time I felt human. I felt Real. It was the First time I’ve ever experienced such an overwhelming emotion. The first time we embraced one another, my heart lightened, my worries dissipated, and hope was given a new definition. I didn’t want to let go. How does she do it? How does she sneak past my defenses and leave me vulnerable to her every move, how does she reach through the darkness that engulfs my heart and gently carry it into light? She could very easily crush me, toss me aside, or turn my heart to ash and release me to the harsh winds that blow past; and yet, I somehow remain in her protection.

Our relationship ended 2 years ago, it was a mutual end. When I say mutual. I mean I was too ashamed to say anything, so I just agreed with her. Within the last 2 years our friendship has slowly mended to the point where all awkwardness is gone and we can openly talk to each other about anything. My feelings for her have only gotten stronger. I decided to try again.

I confessed my feelings to her, I didn’t know what to expect; I just wanted to let her know. These feelings have been filling up inside of me to the point where I couldn’t hold them in anymore. After pouring everything out to her, with nothing to replace the space that once contained these feelings, I didn’t realize how empty inside I would actually feel.

After having a deep discussion with a friend, a question came up that has scared me. Can we ever just be friends? The more I think about that question the more scared and alone I feel, cause even though I don’t want to admit it, he may be right. My friend likes to refer to it as a synapse firing, “it’s all or nothing”. If rejected, I don’t know if I can stay just friends. I never thought I would be in this deep, emotionally.

I want to expand on something my friend also mentioned, which I can relate to. In our lives there are some things that can make us smile and happy, and then there are some things that can make us cry. Sometimes in our lives we need something that can make us do both; balance ourselves. I already have many things that can make me do one or the other, but very few that can make me do both; and she can.

I wonder what will happen if it doesn’t work out. What if she falls for someone else, someone who wont treat her the same? I’m afraid to see what I will do. I’m afraid to let anyone see that side of me, the unknown. It scares me. What will I do when I don’t have the strength to hold onto the shield that defends me, what do I do when it hurts to go on? I don’t want to find out. I don’t want to lose her again.